


No End in Sight: Scrabble Edition

by losyanya



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Author learned a lot of trivia in writing this, Banter, Canon-Typical Drinking, Exactly one (1) terrible pun and one (1) terrible innuendo, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gratuitous but semi-canon-typical granting of consciousness to inanimate objects, Humor, I swear the level of angst is in the negatives, M/M, No Angst, Obscure Vocabulary, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Post-Canon, Scrabble, Slice of Life, The author is a dork and wrote dorky fluff for themselves, They are so married Your Honor, This is very silly and intended as such
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:33:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28141683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/losyanya/pseuds/losyanya
Summary: What could be better than a game of Scrabble with your E/OSO (ethereal/occult significant other)? Only the banter that accompanies it.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 42
Collections: Good Omens OTP Prompts Event Works





	No End in Sight: Scrabble Edition

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [GO-Events](https://go-events.tumblr.com) OTP-prompt event, inspired by the following prompt: "Crowley: I always knew it would end like this."  
> With many thanks to the GO-Events community for hosting the event and for continued support and encouragement!

\- Always knew it would end like this.

In the ensuing silence the chosen, miraculously further improved (and most definitely appreciative) bottle of Grenache receives a stern, if wordless, reminder to remain full or else. Crowley refills his glass — and the other glass, blindly extended in his direction with haste. 

\- ...Mmm? End like what, my dear?

\- Knew that soon as I start to pull ahead in score, you’d go sulking. Didn’t think I’d be any good at a word game, yeah?

 _\- Sulking_! I am not sulking. 

\- You’ve been staring at the board with a long face and furrowed brow for the past 5 minutes— 

\- I do not sulk—

\- Oh yeah? Not even when the gelato shop was out of the Torta della Nonna flavor that one time? Cause I’m hard-pressed to find a better descriptor—

\- Well! I suppose. But that was a deserving occasion, I dare say. Besides, it was resolved so quickly! Almost momentarily they realized a batch was ready, simply misplaced, and — everything was tickety-boo!

\- ‘Course they did.

\- Oh? Wait, was that — oh, Crowley, you didn’t have to!

\- Er — perhaps not, but... youknowicantstandtoseeyouupsetso….

\- I didn’t catch that, would you mind repeating, darling? 

\- Well it felt like the temperature in the entire city dropped 5 degrees when you heard the unfortunate news, and I don’t enjoy the cold…. So. Just fixing things for myself.

\- Of course, my dear.

\- Anyway, back to your turn, I’d rather it happen this century. Look, there’s an open “o” right there, and I know you have letters “d” and “g”, so obviously you are not lacking for a word to play— 

\- How— _Crowley_! You looked at my tiles when I dropped them!

\- I didn’t _mean_ to look, but — reflexes! Constant awareness and vigilance, trained over millennia...

\- A swan snuck up on you. Yesterday.

\- She crept! Those birds can be stealthy as an, um, a ninja, and far more vicious!

\- The silent killers of St. James Park.

\- Exsssactly! Wait, d-did you see her coming, and — and did nothing?! No warning, no united front...

\- Oh, you can't expect me to get in the middle of this. I seek to maintain at least amiable neutrality with fowl fiends.

\- ... _Aziraphale_. 

\- Mmmm? Now, returning to your earlier question, I had in fact noticed the very tiles you named, but in a different order. I was contemplating what certain theologians would make of this sort of informal usage — submitting the word “god” in _Scrabble_ — in relation to “not taking Her name in vain”, at least as far as the Catholic catechism is concerned...

\- Are — are you serious?

\- It’s a curious question! Certainly some authors would object to it — that Welsh pastor for one, what was his name... Matthew Henry? I believe a board game would fall right between “jest” and “sport” in his list of proscriptions. On the other hand, Benedict XVI’s commentary on the second commandment…

\- Benedict - was that the persistent one, who was Pope three times, and sold his second turn to the highest bidder? I remember him - ingenious fellow.

\- No, that was Benedict X… no, IX. Definitely IX.

\- Oh, alright. They switched so fast for a while, I lost count… Either way, this is ridiculous. I’ve not had nearly enough wine to — to have theological discourse over _Scrabble_.

\- Certainly not when you are ahead in score, mmm? Alright, let me see here—

\- That’s not even the same corner of the board. You had a move prepared this whole time and— _Wot_. Aziraphale, h-how. How do you even know the word "twerk".

\- Through you, dear.

\- _ME_?!

\- Have you forgotten? 

\- FOR-FORGOTTEN??! I-I-I never-I-what…!!

\- Crowley, if you blanch like that I must suspect I have more to learn about this term as it pertains _to you_ specifically. Do you not recall the time you decided to regale me with the tales of, um, occasional dancing gatherings of your former colleagues?

\- OH! Vaguely. That was, um. That was a long night. Or morning...

\- You mean we were both three sheets to the wind, if not more — indeed so. Perhaps why your portrayal was a little hazy on some of the details. Or… almost entirely hazy, in truth. But you certainly put valiant effort in describing this particular dance move and its adoption by some of the junior demons...

Giggling, half-heartedly stifled, suspiciously undemonic.

\- Ha, I _had_ forgotten, hehe... M’sorry, angel.

\- Somehow I’m finding that hard to believe. You know, imagination is such a valuable skill, and took centuries to cultivate even to some degree?

\- Hehe, yeah?

\- I daresay your narration was an outright abuse of its powers.

\- HA!

\- Your turn. My dear.

\- Oh, gettin’ low on the tiles now. Letssssssee. Over here. “Fugu”.

\- Mmmmmm, fugu. Most excellent sashimi.

\- Isn’t that the fish that’s poisonous all over though? Still surprised humans found the safe parts in it — was the trial and error really worth it, when there’s plenty of more edible fish types?

\- Well. They may have had. Some benevolent guidance.

 _\- Angel_. Angel, really?

\- It’s not a big deal! It’s just — I had seen the blueprints! I knew the — the good parts. And— and— and I was curious… as to their culinary worth...

\- The Prometheus of sashimi.

\- It cut down on the poisonings! At first...

\- Forbidden fish. That’s — that’s what I had been saying all along, since — since Eden. If the Forbidden Fruit had EVER been truly Forbidden, as, as the goal — it could have been like that fish! Though would have made all that work pointless real fast...

\- Oyez!

\- Wha-yes?

\- Please settle back, darling, I simply found a new move and got... excited. “Oyez”. See, if I tuck it in right here along the side — this way I can get a double letter on “z” and triple word score… Oh that’s marvelous!

\- That’s… 83 points in a turn. 

\- You look surprised.

\- No-no, just… I s’pose — wasn’t expecting you to be satisfied with a 4-letter entry.

\- My dear, I assure you I have a plentiful grasp on the game mechanics. It's not all about the length, and bigger is not always better — oh, Crowley, are you alright? 

Muffled, yet distinctly incredulous coughing.

\- Here, let me get you some water...

\- M'fine, just... choked on the wine. Yup. 

\- Are you quite certain? Right, well. As I was saying, I am well aware that in this game it’s not about the word’s size, but rather how one uses it...

\- You — you _ARE_ doing that on purpose.

\- Doing what, dear?

\- Really? The innui— nuiend— ungkh. Oh lay off, no need to beam at me so… angelically!

\- Well, then, no need to glare at me so...

\- Demonically?

\- Glarefully!

\- NOW who's making up words.

\- Oh hush, it’s different outside the game! Surely, you must admit that "bizjet"—

\- What's wrong with "bizjet"? It's in the _Scrabble_ dictionary!

\- Crowley. You do not even own — and have never owned — an English dictionary. Much less a _Scrabble_ one. 

\- Don’t need to _own_ one, angel. See this slick black rectangle that you refuse to acquire? The power of knowledge at my fingertips, and all that!

\- ...Does this extension of your powers mean you can also look up words to play?

\- Yes! Well, _no_ , not during the game — that’s, I could, but I wouldn’t! Are you questioning my integrity?!

\- Never.

\- Ri-right. Well, my point — my point IS I don’t need to look up words anyway. Know plenty myself. Longer than the entire board. In fact, there’s a 35-letter long word.

 _\- Oh really_?!

The armchair creaks softly and even slides a decimeter along the floor, as tipsy angelic weight suddenly shifts forward, and the entire weight of tipsy angelic attention is propelled at the inhabitant of the sofa. As if pinned by the anticipation in the blue-green eyes, Crowley twists in place and downs the rest of his wine glass.

\- Yeah, it’s from a movie… and it’s rather nonsensical...

\- Please, do tell.

\- Er. Fine. It’s — super-cali-fragi-expa-no. Super-cali...

Every new syllable brings about an increase in the intensity of angelic staring and demonic fidgeting.

\- Super-cali-fragilistic-expi-alidocious.

\- Brilliant!!

\- Angel, it’s a silly word…

\- No-no, it is a superb word! That was wonderful, my dear, and most impressive! Neat! What is that American expression — awesome!! Oh, that was so, so — _most lovely_!!!

As Crowley continues his best impression of a snake trapped on silk, Aziraphale’s expression transitions from manically excited to supremely pleased. Smugness rolls off in heavy waves, which couple with the vibration of Crowley’s squirming into a frequency below the threshold of human hearing.

Pigeons all over London, however, perk up to listen, and bob heads in approval.

Aziraphale, at his core a being of mercy, finally leans back into his armchair:

\- How did you come across the _Scrabble_ dictionary on The Internets, dear?

\- It's not called — never mind. Warlock showed me. Rather insistently. 

\- Awww — but of course, you played with the young Warlock — insistently? How come? 

\- Well, he challenged my move — I tried to use “fudgel”. Apparently that word is too outdated.

\- Ah, what a pity. It’s a good word.

\- Yeah!

\- Useful and quite applicable.

\- Exactly! Well, 's far as I'm concerned, it's baloney I can't play a word just because it's not _modern enough_ , per _someone_.

\- I couldn’t agree more.

\- I say — who said — who decides what is _Modern English_? Modern — _to who_? Modern — contemporary — well, it’s all contemporary to me. I was around when this “fudgel” word was in use, I was also around before some Englishman invented it, and, and— 

\- That’s about the size of it! Truly, it’s the same with clothes. An outmoded style — why, they are all quite recent; besides, this _fashion_ is cyclical, give or take a couple centuries...

Aziraphale settles deeper into the armchair and hums contentment into his wine glass. Crowley watches with a mildly concerned expression of one realizing the all-too-easily attained agreement may indicate he had picked the wrong side of the argument in the first place. 

\- But, I suppose, such are the game rules, dear… 

\- Whose turn - oh, mine. Okay, here. “Braids”.

\- Oh, that’s nice.

\- Noted— I mean — not — well, I don’t mean “not nice”—

\- Hmmm?

\- Noth- _nothing_ — go ahead, angel.

\- Aww, it’s the last set of tiles... Oh, wonderful, I can add on to “camel” riiiight here— camelopard!

\- Camelopard.

\- Yes! I am certain you are familiar…

 _\- Giraffe_ , angel. Didn’t we just cover archaic word use?

\- Well, it’s hardly archaic. Erstwhile, perhaps, but...

\- No one has called them “camelopards” in this century, or the one before.

\- Some humans even used to think these were different animals...

\- Some humans even used to think they come in a zigzag pattern! And they don’t even resemble leopards that much, nor camels. Now, a plantipus— no, a plentypus—

\- Platypus?

\- Yeah, those — I’d have a word with whoever designed those, ‘cause they were clearly slacking. You can’t just mash the designs for a beaver and a duck together and call it a day!

 _\- Crowley_! So — no “camelopard” then?

Hasty verification that “camelopard” is, indeed, a valid _Scrabble_ word, met with a paired sigh of relief.

\- I can put this “e” here, and… any more, angel?

\- Only two consonants, and I do not see a spot for them. 

\- Same here, I got one, and it’s of no use… Guess this is done? Right, lemme see that last one... Looks like the total score is 352 for you, and… 352 for me.

\- Oh dear, a tie!!

The illuminance of the room spikes a couple thousand lux, despite the hanging lights dimming reflexively, unmotivated to compete against the angelic smile. After staring at it a few seconds longer than human eye safety guidelines would advise, Crowley ducks behind the phone screen.

\- Yeah, well, no, look, ‘t says here — “in case of a tied final score, the player whose score was highest before adjusting for unplayed tiles is the winner”.

\- Ah yes, a clarification made in the 1976 edition of the rules.

\- And since your score was 358 on the board, angel, you w— 

\- However, this is a 1970 set. Predating that addition.

Faced with the combination of a beaming angel _and_ a grinning demon, and, perhaps, recognizing the transition, the hanging lights give up entirely.

\- Just gonna ignore the rules, angel?

\- This hardly counts as ignoring the rules — _that_ would be unbecoming. I’d categorize it, rather, as weighing in on their application.

\- Choosing which count, then.

\- Only the ones that work for us.

Radiance transitions from bright to warm, and shadows draw near, as comfortable semi-darkness blankets the room corners.

\- I wish... I can only wish I had always known. That it would end like this.

 _\- Crowley…_ Dearest. I share the sentiment, of course. But..

\- But?

\- The word “end”. Don’t you think it is perhaps a little outdated for our vocabulary?

 _\- Angel_.

\- I would postulate… it has no place on our board. 

A shaky curse, or a laugh, or exhale of a long-held breath.

\- Yeah… that’s a rule I’m happy to keep.

**Author's Note:**

> Some Trivia Notes:  
> 1\. Matthew Henry wrote "Complete Commentary" or "Exposition of the Old and New Testaments" in 1706-1710, which includes an extensive discussion of the commandments.  
> 2\. It was indeed Pope Benedict IX that was elected for the position a record number of times (3). Crowley is exaggerating about selling the second term to the highest bidder, although he did get paid: Benedict abdicated in favor of his godfather on condition of getting reimbursed for his election expenses - but it was not about money! It was about wishing to marry his cousin... Truly a remarkable individual.  
> 3\. Fugu contains lethal amounts of poison (tetrodotoxin, which has no known antidote) in skin, eyes and certain inner organs, such as liver and ovaries. Interestingly, the fish do not produce the toxin themselves, and its poison content depends strictly on its feed: recent developments have allowed to raise non-toxic fugu.  
> 4\. The lower threshold of human hearing range is approximately 20 Hz, everything below is considered infrasound. Pigeons can detect infrasound at <10 Hz and some studies report sound sensitivities as low as 0.5 or even 0.05 Hz. Elephants are another common example; unlike pigeons, they are capable of not only hearing, but also of producing infrasonic calls, in 14-24 Hz frequencies. However, ZSL London Zoo has not housed elephants since 2001, and the nearest elephant herd appears to be at the Whipsnade Zoo, 35 miles or 57 km from Soho. Although infrasound travels well over long distances, I could not be certain it would carry that far.  
> 5\. In claiming that some humans used to believe giraffes come with a zigzag pattern, Crowley is referring to the [painting "Tribute Giraffe with Attendant"](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Tribute_Giraffe_with_Attendant.jpg), which some sources attribute to the artist Shen Du, commissioned by the Yongle Emperor of Ming China upon receipt of a tribute giraffe from Bengal. It would appear not all sources agree on the origins of the painting, however.
> 
> I'm [losyanya](https://losyanya.tumblr.com) over on Tumblr - please feel free to chat with me about anything and everything!


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